


Trexel's Fact Corner

by timstokerlovebot (SchmokSchmok)



Category: Stellar Firma (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, David's Place, Gen, episode 52 divergent, stellar firma season 3 spoiler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:02:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28312770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SchmokSchmok/pseuds/timstokerlovebot
Summary: 5 times Trexel criticises David's Place+1 time David's Place gets a good reviewSpoilers up to Episode 52.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 34
Collections: Rusty Quill Secret Santa 2020





	Trexel's Fact Corner

**Author's Note:**

  * For [creativepup](https://archiveofourown.org/users/creativepup/gifts).



> I hope you enjoy this ♡
> 
> **CN: Food (mentioned), Murder/Violence (referenced)**

It didn't take long for David 7 to regret every decision and misfortune that led David 7 to this very day. David 7’s place — _David's Place_ — had been the first thing in David 7’s (admittedly very) short life that hadn't filled David 7 with existential dread and bone-deep panic, it was nice and cosy and maybe a bit slimy at times. A habitat that David 7 thoroughly enjoyed and felt immediately more at home at as opposed to the office and the limited but various natured other places David 7 had been at.

Then Trexel happened and David 7 realised that everything in David 7’s life either started with Trexel Geistman or ended with Trexel Geistman.

With a shiny new plate at the kitchen that read _Kitchen Consultant_ and a sticky-note with a hastily scribbled _Real Consolation of Plates, Definitively No Spies!_ underneath, Trexel had conquered the kitchen with single-minded conviction. (I.M.O.G.E.N.'s chirpily declared _Beep._ “Coping with loss of dirt in the kitchen is not allowed!” went right above Trexel's head.)  
After a few hours, David 7 had even managed to craft a make-shift name tag for Trexel reading _Lexel Nam-Theeg_ when it became clear that Trexel wouldn't immediately abandon the café and David 7 again. (David 7 had given up on correcting Trexel on his pronunciation.) The tag was the colour of seafoam and David 7 is still immensely proud that the hermit crab David 7 drew on it is recognisable as a copy of the one painted on the café's sign. ( _Beep._ “You didn't use the font I made. What a shame!”)

For almost one and a half days, Trexel working at David's Place wasn’t a complete failure. His presence had almost a calming nature in its familiarity and, if David 7 were completely honest, Trexel was most of the time in the kitchen or lurking in the shadows of the café and David 7 didn’t necessarily have to _see_ him.

Then the spying started.

#### (1)

The first note David 7 gets is written on a white shard which, upon closer inspection, definitely was once a plate of David’s Place. Which means Trexel did _not_ throw out the pile of shattered plates that David 7 had swept up neatly for him to dispose. Which, yeah, okay, this is alright, David 7 can handle constructive criticism on porcelain shards. No problem! ( _Beep._ “Distress detected. Security alerted!”)

The shard reads: _Not enough snakes._ And is suspiciously devoid of any clarification.

Briefly, David 7 thinks about ignoring Trexel's shard but Trexel's obviously making an effort and David 7 will be the last to stop Trexel finally getting it together. So, David 7 walks up to Trexel and asks: “What is a snake?”

David 7 wants to add _and how would they improve my place_ because David 7 can’t really think of a way something that makes knifes slippery (or is it the material a slippery snake knife is made from? Or is it a shape? A specific knife shape? A special form of smithery?) could be of use to the café but Trexel's already talking: “I don't know David, what _is_ a snake?”

David 7 blinks a few times in astonishment. 

“But, Trexel, you—”

“I don't know who this Trexel Geistman is, you're talking about,” he leans into David 7's space way too much and laughs hysterically, “sounds like a handsome and charming fella though— I, Lexel Nam-Theeg, have never heard of a _snake_ before.”

And then, Trexel is gone.

_Beep._ “Yikes!”

#### (2)

The second criticism David 7 gets is a balled-up piece of paper stuffed into David 7’s slurry. David 7’s not entirely sure how Trexel has managed to sneak anything into David 7’s slurry as David 7 hadn’t left it unsupervised since getting it from the vending machine and why I.M.O.G.E.N. hadn’t chirped out a warning about potential danger, but the paper’s here now, isn’t it? So, David 7 can at least read it.

The note says: _Where’s the band?_

_Beep._ “Where _is_ the band?”

“We can’t j-just invite a– invite a _band_!” David 7’s voice tumbles out of David 7’s mouth in a rush, panic slipping into the words. “This is a secret café, a _secretafé_ , we-we-we-we _can’t_!”

_Beep._ “ _I_ can be the band!”

David 7 inhales deeply, counts to five, and exhales slowly. “You can’t be a band all on your own, I.M.O.G.E.N.”

_Beep._ “Warning: Criticising or correcting I.M.O.G.E.N. is not an endorsed action of Stellar Firma Limited.”

“S-sorry, I’m sorry!” David 7 ducks David 7’s head in an attempt to display submission and regret, taking a step back even though I.M.O.G.E.N. is everywhere. “I couldn’t criticise you even if I wanted, I.M.O.G.E.N.” David 7 laughs nervously. “I was just trying to _say_ ,” David 7 stresses the last word to create a little more time to think for the correct way to diffuse the situation, “that I would love having you as a solo act, but we shouldn’t risk inviting a– a background band for your talent.”

I.M.O.G.E.N. remains suspiciously silent.

“Your great talent, might I say,” David 7 adds hastily. “You would steal the show either way, so why not giving you the whole show upfront?”

_Beep._ “Flattery accepted. Security not alerted.”

#### (3)

The third note comes in multiple days later or, to be more precise, in the night while David 7 is still fast asleep. When David 7 opens one eye after the other in the morning (because it’s pretty dodgy that David 7 can’t hear a thing and that makes David 7 dread the actual act of waking and getting up), the first thing David 7 notices is that David 7 is still able to look at the ceiling of the small, cramped space David 7 usually chooses to sleep in. Which means Trexel has for the first time since taking up work at David’s Place not dragged David 7’s sleeping body into the vents – which is truly a disturbing thing to wake up to. 

The next thing David 7 notices is that the wall next to the door into the kitchen of the café doesn’t look the same as when David 7 had gone to sleep. Written with chunky slurry and in two finger’s wide capitals, David 7 can read a new message: _WE NEED A PASSPHRASE!_

David 7 stands up on taped hooves with a deep sigh and asks: “I.M.O.G.E.N.? Have you seen Trexel?”

_Beep._ “Interloper undetected. He’s in the vents!”

David 7 mutters expressions of gratitude and walks into the kitchen where the two entrances to the vents are still wide open and David 7 can see Trexel’s foot (clad in a _sock_ , disgusting!) sticking out into the open area.

“Trexel!”, David 7 says, reaching for Trexel’s leg while simultaneously avoiding to touch the sock or its immediate area. “Trexel, wake up!”

With a swift but powerful pull, Trexel is brought into the kitchen, a yelp and a string of curses on his lips. He shrieks: “David, what is _wrong_ with you? I could have had a– a– a guest with me or could have wanted to spend some alone time with my broom? I think we’re ready for the next step, David, you could have interrupted an important step, David!”

“I– uh,” David 7’s not sure if a follow-up question is in order or if Trexel should just be left alone on that matter.

But before David 7 can make an informed decision or an impromptu choice, Trexel turns around, never lifting his stomach from the dirty floor, and laments woefully: “Who am I kidding?” An overdramatic sob escapes his lips. “It’s a _sun and moon paralleled lovers_ -kinda situation, David. I am in hiding and he doesn’t have _legs_. He’s still in my quarters, desperately waiting for me to come _back_. To hear the remarkable tales of my adventures. He loves them, David, who’s gonna tell him about _me_?”

“I don’t know?”, David 7 says, voice going high and trailing off at the end, but what David 7 means is: _I don’t know how to end this conversation._

“You don’t know,” Trexel yelps while sitting up and hitting his head on the edge of the vent entrance. “f course, you don’t know, David! You've never been in _love_!”

His fingers rake through the air and he makes gargling noises at the back of his throat. David 7's face is distorted in overwhelmed indignation.

“Trexel!” David 7 snaps a few times in front of Trexel's face to get his attention and get back to the graffito Trexel has painted on the wall. “Focus!”

“W-what?” Trexel blinks as if he needed to get rid of stray tears collecting in the corners of his eyes.

David 7 gestures towards the door of the office and says: “Why do you think we need a passphrase?”

Trexel, still laying on his stomach, crosses his arms underneath his chin and stares up at David 7 who's really trying, earth below, David 7’s really trying.

“To keep the scum out,” Trexel replies in a voice that tells David 7 that he's losing his patience, even though Trexel’s not the person to possess patience in the first place. “Like, you know, Hartro,” David 7 mutters _Oh!_ , “or Harry,” _I thought you were friends?_ , “or Bathin.”

_Beep._ “Watch it, buster!”

“Harry _is_ my friend,” Trexel says, “but he’s scum. Utter scum!”

“So, you want to keep out the people who are after us,” David 7 says and Trexel interrupts with an _Yeah_ , “and your friends,” _Yes, yes!_ , “and the people you don’t like but I.M.O.G.E.N. and I would love to have here.”

“That’s about it,” Trexel agrees.

David 7 blinks. “Who’s left?”

“What?”

David 7 repeats: “Well, who’s left?”

“What?” Trexel lays his cheek on his crossed arms to tils his head.

David 7 repeats again: “If we don’t let people in who are after us, who are friends with you and people you don’t like, then … who’s left?”

“Angry Jim!” Trexel replies.

_Beep._ “Angry Jim is not allowed back on the premises!”

Trexel rolls onto his back and waves both his hands dismissively towards the ceiling of the kitchen. But it’s David 7 who says: “No passphrase then.”

#### (4)

The fourth note, David 7 gets is written right across the counter of the café itself. In what seems to be moisturiser right out of the bottle. David 7 isn’t even the one noticing the note for the first time, instead it’s Doug Whimperton who just got promoted from AASSUSDM to ASSUSDM and wears a pin proclaiming that very fact on his lapel. 

David 7 inhales, holds David 7’s breath and exhales a few times, always counting, always trying to stick to a rhythm of five-three-five. Then David 7 reads the message: _Not enough slime._

And even David 7 knows that just because David 7 (and apparently Trexel??) likes a slimy habitat, doesn’t mean that anybody else on this ship would like to navigate greasy (and somewhat slippery) floors. And if they learn that it’s just a part of David 7’s physique, well, to quote I.M.O.G.E.N.: _Beep._ “That’s unhygienic and disgusting.”

So, David 7 doesn’t say anything about the moisturiser-message and Trexel must have forgotten to.

#### (5)

Or at least that’s what most people think if they hear this story. (It’s not like anyone has ever heard David 7’s story. David 7 doesn’t have a broom waiting up in the evenings. – David 7 doesn’t have a broom in general and even if David 7 did, David 7 wouldn’t engage romantically with it – probably, possibly. David 7 doesn’t think at least.)

The thing is that shortly after David 7 has spent precious time cleaning off moisturiser from the counter, David 7 notices a few patrons staring at David 7. Or more precisely: They stare at the backside of the onesie David 7 is wearing. Until one patron comes up to David 7 and says: “There’s a napkin on your shoulder.”

David 7 chuckles nervously and reaches for the napkin while thanking the patron and simultaneously walking backwards towards the kitchen.

When David 7’s back hits the kitchen door, David 7 goes inside and finally frees the napkin from David 7’s natural slimy back.

Then David 7 stares at the grease-soaked napkin that reads: _Too much slime._

“Trexel!” David 7 yells after a few choked off noises of bewilderment and outrage.

_Beep._ “Anger detected. Security curious!”

Out of the vents, Trexel’s head appears, for some reason upside down. He starts to correct David 7: “I don’t know who this Trex–“

But David 7 interrupts him: “Lexel! Lexel! Lexel!”

“Yes, David?”, Trexel asks, grin big on his face. So big, indeed, that it makes his eyes crinkle at the corner.

“Not enough slime?” David 7 exclaims and gestures towards the closed door to the dining area. “Too much slime?!” David 7 gestures towards david7self and huffs and puffs in anger.

Trexel climbs out of the vents fully and conjures up two ridiculously shaped sunglasses. (David 7 waits for the third pair, but Trexel stops after two.) He leans casually against the counter, but his tapping foot betrays his supposed countenance. He says: “You see, David, it’s math as easy as disfunction field theory.” He points to the closed door. “No slime, minimal slime, yes?” David 7 nods and Trexel points at David 7. “Much slime, an overabundance of slime, so much slime, I could wring you out and there would still be tons of slime left!” David 7 nods, less certain and also much more offended. It’s natural, Trexel doesn’t get to, to shame David 7 for the slime production!

“This is _David’s_ Place, right?”

Trexel makes an all-encompassing gesture and David 7 says softly: “Yeah, yeah, it is.”

“Then make it _yours_ , David!” Trexel takes two long strides and is, once again, much too close for David 7’s liking. “Slime all over the place, rub your back on the counter, claim this space!”

Trexel’s face lights up like a miniature sun.

“Slime all over the place,” he sings.

David 7 groans: “Oh no.”

“Just claim this very space,” Trexel goes on.

_Beep._ “Singing is not allowed in the kitchen!”

“Make it all your oooown,” Trexel bursts out, throwing his arms into the air. “See how much you’ve grooown!”

David 7 blanches.

“From a slimy clone baby,” David 7’s not sure if Trexel’s trying to imitate a bird or pantomime growing up in an overdramatic way, “to a slimy clone maaaaaaan!”

“A greasy jellybaby,” he throws his head back und almost yells out, “that everything caaaaaan!”

“You’ve got a point,” David 7 says and Trexel stops dead in his tracks.

Trexel asks: “I do?” David 7 nods. “I mean, yeah, of course I do!” He laughs a few pronounced _Ha_ s. “This is Trexel’s Fact Corner, not Stuff I Make Up On The Get Go.”

“This is what?” David 7 asks, voice high pitched and stressed.

_Beep._ “Murderous intention detected. Security in pleasant anticipation.” 

“Trexel’s Fact Corner!” Trexel grins. “You know, because it is me, Trexel Geistman, and I always state facts. And currently, I’m mostly hiding in corners to avoid getting caught.” His grin widens. “I think it’s rather clever, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” David 7 grits out. “Rather clever.”

#### (+1)

**Bathin, Great Duke of Galactonium**  
Planet 512905, Galactonium

★★★★★

[4 pictures attached]

When visited Stellar Firma Limited to buy another planet, my good friend Dravelin Scott recommended this place to me and I immediately found myself in love with the shabby interior and whimsically illegal looks of the café. 

Unfortunately, I didn’t meet David, the owner of David’s Place, but I was told David is a pleasant human to be around and a very accommodating host. 

The muffins of David’s Place are delicious, and the coffee made from line manager slurry (shh!) was hot and enlivening.

If you’re at Stellar Firma, dodge the Cosmic Lounge and go to David’s Place. A perfectly slimy café for all your homely needs.


End file.
